How to Make a Good Referral

If someone you love is experiencing pain that’s not going away, I’d love to help. 

But first–I want to acknowledge how difficult it can be to watch a loved one reckon with pain. Please take care of yourself as you care for this person—when we regulate ourselves before interacting with a person in pain, we help that person tremendously (if you want, you can read more about this and get support on the Caregivers page).

I’ve put together this brief guide on how to make a good referral to Pain Fermata (because a “bad” referral–one that’s pushy or dismissive or makes assumptions–can do harm to the relationship, and nobody wants that). I want to equip you to make a good referral because I believe I can help, and I want your person to feel better.

It’d also be great if you get to be the one to save the day! :)

Step One: Ask them what’s going well.

A lot of times, our first instinct when someone we love is suffering is to give them advice. 

Instead, stay curious! Ask them about their experience. Here are some helpful questions to try:

“What have you already tried?”

“What actually helps?”

“What makes it worse?”

Notice how much they’re already doing to keep going. Why? 

Because focusing on what’s going well can help build trust—in themselves and in you.  

Step Two: Ask if they want help / advice!

Don’t skip this step. And do it without an agenda. Many people in pain are used to getting a lot of unsolicited advice (“Have you tried meditating?” “You should really read this book I heard about.” or “When my friend Judy had surgery, she did xyz–it’ll probably help you too.”). This often creates resistance and entrenchment: it’s a near universal component of the pain cycle and it’s a big part of what makes pain persist.

Check with them and see if they’re open to discussing new strategies. 

Step Three: Help them understand what Pain Fermata is.

I help people resolve pain that’s not going away. Pain Fermata is a short term intervention that shifts how we relate to pain and results in more agency and clarity. I work with the body & brain, our emotional responses, and our cultural scripts to recondition the way we experience pain.

Some of it is “hacks” – the magic is teaching people how and when and why to use these hacks. There’s nothing quite like what I do. 

This work is remarkably effective–most clients start experiencing pain-free days after a few sessions. Pain Fermata sessions take place over video and phone calls, meaning I work with people all over the world. 

Here’s a three minute video explaining this work in more detail.

This work is not for everyone, but the people for whom it helps experience tremendous relief. 

About me: I'm a medical sociologist (PhD, UCSF) with 20 years studying pain from every angle—research, clinical practice, and my own experience living with it.

I'm an expert in how pain interventions came to be, how they interact, and how they fail. Seeing what goes wrong, and how, and what else is available, points to what goes right.