We all have habitual responses to pain. These are loops we learn early on, and we rehearse and repeat them whenever discomfort shows up.
Some loops are physical (bracing, pushing through, numbing out, reaching for NSAIDs, fidgeting, stretching or adjusting our posture, soothing or suppressing out of habit). Some loops are attentional (compulsive distraction, worrying, spiraling in self-doubt or confusion about what's really going on). Some loops are conditioned emotional responses to pain (fear, grief, shame, rage).
And some loops are relational habits that emerge when pain comes on strong (retreating, reaching for reassurance, assuming we'll be seen as weak or fraudulent). Those relational patterns play out with partners, families, coworkers, medical providers and whole communities, and they play out within ourselves.
All together, our habitual loops, our conditioned responses to pain, help shape the stories we tell about who we are and what we're capable of, and those stories can turn our pain up or down. Our stories help define what our pain is and how we relate to it and to others.
Once we understand what our loops are and what drives them, we can start to change them. That's a big part of the work we do together in one-on-one sessions. We’re all capable of rewriting our stories and changing our conditioned responses, and sustained change usually happens when this work is done in conversation with an expert guide.
One of my clients had spent decades pushing through her back pain and telling everyone she was fine. She took care of everyone around her, partly so no one would see her suffering and need for care herself. It worked, but she didn’t feel seen. The pain dug in and worsened. A common problem. Once she saw that loop, we worked together to create a new conditioned response – a new loop – with less avoidance and more connection, and her pain started to fade. Now, it’s rarely a problem in her life.
My clients have often tried a lot before they find me. For some of them, this work is enough to make the pain go away. For most, they leave with real relief and with the skills they need to get themselves out of a flare. For nearly all, they feel seen and supported and better.
